Struggling with my past

So in the past I struggled with my weight and my eating habits. I tried not eating for long periods of time, but my urge to eat was too strong.

I tried purging, but I hate throwing up, so I just did binge eating without the purging.

At a certain age no one could tell me what I could and couldn’t eat, it was in my control. How much I would eat, how often, what I would eat. Also no one had to know when I would eat. My big escape was eating, and eating, and eating knowing no one would know how much I was eating. I would sneak food to my room and hide it in my room. When I was able to drive I would go out and would get fast food and go into the back of a building and eat a large amount of food. I would feel horrible about myself and what I was doing, and I thought about making myself throw up so I wouldn’t put on more weight, but my hatred of throwing up won over the guilt.

The past few weeks I have been noticing my eating habits have been changing, I have been buying more and more not healthy food, I have been consuming more oil than I usually like to do, I have been sneaking food, and hiding the remains in the trash. In the past few days I have even thought about throwing up. Since these feelings have been happening I have felt like crap after eating. I feel bogged down, I feel depressed, I feel like I am losing control, so then I go and eat some more food and try to hide the evidence.

I have been back sliding on so many things, I feel like I am slowly losing control. I am in recovery for many addictions, but I have been tip toeing around things that I know lead me down that dark path to no return and I am scared of going there, but I also want to go there lately.

But there is a part of me that doesn’t want to go down that path, I don’t want to be out of control, I want to be in control but in healthy ways, not ways where my life gets ruined.

I don’t know what I need to keep me focused, and I wish there was a magic person or something to keep me from buying junk food, to keep me from sneaking food, to keep me from sliding back down into the depths of my dark past. Maybe me being open about it instead of trying to hide it under the surface, instead of trying to be perfect, instead of trying to be wonder woman will help me get back to feeling good about myself, and get me back on the road where I feel good and loved and happy.

There are times in our lives where we get put off course, then there can be times where the course is taken away, or even times where life can come along and decides to beat you up and leave you for dead, but don’t let life win, don’t let the bad things outweigh the good things.

-Deep breath-

Remember to stay awesome folks.

What is BInge Eating

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